Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
The Book. The Movie.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.