2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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Any refunds available?…
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
B
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby