Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
the way this pissed me off… 😭
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now