Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“you changed” bro i was 15
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder