My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
what?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit