My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”