Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Social Media and Real life
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family