I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Thursday Thought.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: