mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
You Might Also Like
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
went fishing caught a bass
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Pizza is an emotion right?