Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…