Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Can’t stop laughing
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.