teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.