advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”