Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Chicago sounds lovely.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!