son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
every single time
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no