Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead