gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.