Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT