[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.