My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
You Might Also Like
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee