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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
hmm conte-me mais
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.