My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg