Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I would like even faster food.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I put the hot in psychotic.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.