*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*