If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
fixed it
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No