I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Good Morning.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Dishonest mechanic?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”