future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
You Might Also Like
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?