A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
knights of the ikea table
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.