INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
You Might Also Like
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Make new friends? bro out of what?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.