[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
just witnessed a drug deal
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.