Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
all that yoga finally paid off
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”