Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation