“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
is this a warning or an offer?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
welcome back
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.