Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.