“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.