DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Sharon I have some bad news
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook