Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.