βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
when youβre a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
βSO WEβRE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!β
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: βI do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.β Ooof!
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* Iβll have that platter for one please
server: but thatβs the βAll You Can Eatβ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
everyone calm down theyβre just doing a test run of the rapture
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your manβs out here denying you exist.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorryβ¦I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF