Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Happy Friday
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?