it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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Mornin
i wish i could marry a nap
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more