I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.