Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.