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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name