“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”