ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: