“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
You Might Also Like
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.