Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Genius idea!!
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Ghost costume 😂
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen