FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.