Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It鈥檚 a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we鈥檙e done you can just ghost me
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That鈥檚 really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Wordle 241 1/6
馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don鈥檛 eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I hate feeling like I鈥檓 racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren鈥檛 we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It鈥檚 the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I鈥檓 fifteen