Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Doggies just call it style.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.